All of us are going to experience something devastating in our lives. Some of us will have that experience more frequently than others. Some of us will have that experience sooner rather than later. Some of us will be oblivious. The rest of us will be devastated or experience something along the same lines, only less intense. We will not all have the same emotional response to the same stimulus. Some of us will overreact and some of us will under-react. Some of us will be public with our pain and suffering, and others of us will keep our grief very private.

The true warrior knows that grief is something we must experience and endure or experience and embrace. I am sure you are familiar with the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), which were popularized by Elizabeth Kubler Ross—a psychiatrist who was actually studying people who had contracted a fatal illness themselves, rather than people who had experienced a devastating personal loss. Well contrary (or in addition) to those stages, the true warrior recognizes that the research of George Bonanno (a professor of clinical psychology), is actually much more in keeping with his own experiences. Bonanno describes the stages as follows: 1) resilience, 2) recovery, 3) chronic dysfunction and 4) delayed grief or trauma … which are known as the four trajectories1:

Resilience: “The ability of adults in otherwise normal circumstances who are exposed to an isolated and potentially disruptive event, such as the death of a close relation or a violent or life threatening situation, to maintain relatively stable, healthy levels of psychological and physical functioning” as well as “the capacity for generative experiences and positive emotions.”

Recovery: When “normal functioning temporarily gives way to threshold or sub-threshold psychopathology (e.g., symptoms of depression or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), usually for a period of at least several months, and then gradually returns to preevent levels.”

Chronic dysfunction: Prolonged suffering and inability to function, usually lasting several years or longer.

Delayed grief or trauma: When adjustment seems normal, but then distress and symptoms increase months later. Researchers have not found evidence of delayed grief, but delayed trauma appears to be a genuine phenomenon.

The true warrior sees that it is neither good nor bad, but just a path that the “victim” chooses, either consciously or unconsciously. We will not always choose the same trajectory in every event … although one can easily see that choosing chronic dysfunction will not be very helpful to anyone in the long run. The true warrior has realized that, through overcoming adversity, he or she develops mental toughness … and that by developing mental toughness, it will become easier to choose the resilience pathway following a significant or devastating emotional loss. This scientific study proves that, should you be resilient, you still care, you still love, and you still mourn. You have simply chosen a pathway that allows you to continue to be of maximum service to yourself and your fellows, even when everything is crashing down around you.

You are warriors. You are resilient and have the power and strength to grieve effectively, and continue to help those around you. You have the power to turn it all around and to create a new paradigm for your life, your team, and your enterprise. Act accordingly. So it has been written.